aching

my soul cries for You.
the deepest part of who I am thirsts to be with You.
my being aches for Your presence.
desperation, finally.

I find satisfaction in the hunger.
O keep me from confusing my hunger with Your feast.
O keep me from the pride of one who longs for You
but finds himself,
and likes himself for the sentiment.

for it is not ultimately my own relief I seek.
I seek You, Jesus, for who You are.
I seek not to be humble, but to be humbled by You,
the honor of the Highest helping me lower.
I seek not humility, but humiliation from Your hand,
the honor of sharing in Your sufferings.
I seek You.

my very existence aches for You,
physical, immaterial.
and yet I ache to continue aching.
but only if my aching is to embrace more
of what I’ve found to both ease and intensify the pain.

O glorious hurt! O purifying flame!
scar the sin that has so long scarred you!
cause this sinful flesh to crack,
to pour forth water, saline tears,
the sweat of sin forced to flee.

conform me, Father, to the image of Your Son.
tear my heart over sin the way You tore His flesh.

and assuage my fears.
steady my trembling soul.
brace my trust.
persecute and torture my doubts
until they recant and abandon their efforts.

Snake Charmer

Well, this is awkward. “So, how do you do?”
“I’m doing just fine, how about you?”
The pretense, the show, you act like you care.
The story I hear, not the one that you share.
You told me a lie, you told your two friends.
Does that make it true if I find your loose ends?
Your validation, I’m sure, the witness of two.
Your impregnable word I’ve found my way through.

It’s best not to argue. Your pride can’t sustain
knowing you’re wrong with no one to blame.
Can’t turn it around, can’t straighten it out.
Can’t charm your own words from your own mouth.
So they all feel that way? That makes sense I guess.
I suppose that you’ve told it in your style, duress.
The sickening thing that is sad, but so true,
is that you’ll find a way to make this about you.

Regret pt.1

Regrets?
Maybe not, maybe a hundred.

Regret the lies?
That’s your part.
Regret the honesty?
That’s mine.

Regret the closed chapter?
You might.
Regret the open book?
My life.

Regret being a thief?
You again.
Regret sharing a dream?
I do.

Regret shallow promises?
Take it.
Regret believing them?
My fault.

Regret the spin?
You’re dizzy.
Regret the reaction?
I staggered.

Regret the relief?
On you.
Regret a lot of words?
I’d take them back.

Regret the distance?
You’re acting.
Regret familiarity?
I’m not.

Regret pt.2

Regret the defense?
You wont.
Regret answering?
Damn curiosity.

Regret getting your dates wrong?
You.
Regret disclosure?
Me.

Regret that it ended this way?
Bleeding hearts.
Regret that it’s over?
Not so much.

The First Day

She's still sore.
God hurt her.
Bringing God into the world hurt her.
Pain.
Delivery is painful.

He's finally started crying.
Out of the mouths of babes.
Praise ordained.
God is so small right now.
God cant walk.
Cant feed Himself.

I need a God I can wrap my arms around.
Forget my mind.
Something tangible.
A baby.
Squeeze.
Smell.
Snuggle.
Embrace.
Kiss.
Sing.
Rock.
Pat.
Calm.
Whisper.
Bounce.
Change.
Clean.
Clothe.
Feed.

He's overwhelmed.
Baby made him.
How does he father Him?
Made in Baby's image.

Laughing now.
Dont think too hard.
Show Him to the neighbors.
Oriental lords.
Shepherds.
Animals.

Husband.
Wife.
Child.
God.
Earth.
Flesh.
Bone.
Blood.

Reflection

I hate my friends.
I wish they would all change,
do things differently.
I wish they were'nt so complicated.
Perhaps less emotional,
Or maybe that's my problem.
I wish I never knew some of them.
Some of them I cant imagine living without,
Although I still wish we had never met.
How can so many beautiful people be so screwed up?
They say the things you criticize about others
Are usually the things you cant stand about yourself.
So here's to my friends,
those relentless mirrors.
I suppose if I change
you all will look so much better to me.

Affair

The blistering cold, the driven snow
The suffering soul, the broken mold
The gathering night, the blatant lie
The whispering sky, the shining light
The darkening truth, the color blue
The tightening noose, the lustful youth
The hastening end, the hidden sin
The frightening spin, the final rend

Frustrated

Confused.
Constrained.
Distraught.
Dismayed.

Wrestling.
Restless.
Struggling.
Stressed.

Perplexed.
Perturbed.
Uneasy.
Unnerved.

Wander

I sit staring out on this on this beautiful day
And wonder how much does my heavy heart weigh.
I can’t find the words that will justly explain
This longing, this burning in my bones to stray.
This thought that I’d journey and see what I may
Consumes me by night and is there when I wake.
Consider my path and set out on my way
Is all that is left, for here I cannot stay.

White

Like a flag blowing in the wind
are my desires.
Violently flailing about,
ever restless.

But You steady my wandering soul.
You set me on a path of consistency.
You place me on a course that is direct,
made constant by the force of Your love.
Like the course of the earth around the sun

I will raise a white cloth
into the blustering winds
that drive my longings,
so that I flail in every direction
a flag of surrender.